Today I took a little moment of quiet alone time and did just that. I have a lot to be thankful for and I hope I show it to those that matter. I thought back, the good and the bad, along with each individual that has come into my life to stay and those that left an imprint before fading into the past. As for the fading imprints: Some were great, though short-lived friendships of my childhood, others were difficult or destructive relationships of my not-so-distant past, and then there were others where, like irregular pieces of a puzzle, they just didn't "fit" and I had to walk away from. This, although necessary, was also usually painful. Crazy or not, I feel that every person has been put into my life for one reason or another; a lesson learned from each. For this I am grateful.
Even the individuals that hurt me the most, left me a little scarred or broken, I can honestly say I am thankful to have had my time with them. These people encased my body in pain, torment, and tears; left me smoldering and wilted, feeling small, helpless, and unloved/unlovable. When I walked away, cutting their festering disease out of my life, I was called hateful names attached with false accusations.
I am grateful, you see, because without this deep agony I would not have been forced to acknowledge my own strength and how, subsequently, I became even stronger and unwaveringly determined because of it. For once I took complete charge of my life and my future and learned to appreciate things/relationships I took for granted before. After having all my material possessions removed from me I realized abruptly that although it sucks to suddenly have nothing, material possessions most definitely do not equal happiness. Stuff still remains just a mass of replaceable stuff, where as the loving support of family and friends is priceless. For those that tried to pound me and my esteem into the dirt there were so many that held me up, brushed off my battered wings, and helped me fly.
I learned how to stand up for myself and my needs, wants, and beliefs. I have learned that "settling" for anything less is just unacceptable. I am not perfect by any means and there is still much healing to do, but I try very hard to live my life and treat others the way I wish to be treated. I have also learned that it is a necessity to discard those that are negative, unkind, dishonest, and morally corrupt in my life. I don't have room for liars, cheaters, boasters, sneaks, downers, users, or poor-me's, nor am I to be a hypocrite of that which I despise.
I also dig deep and remember the times that these individuals brought me happiness and laughter. It is important for me to remember the good times too as I would like to think (hope) that I chose to be around these people for a reason other than to be their punching bag.
As I remembered events that spanned through my life I eventually came to the present, or events leading up to the present. I am overwhelmed with appreciation and love to the nth degree. I may not be exactly where I want to be in terms of place of residence and having the "ultimate" dream job but life is a journey and one I am currently extremely happy to be on. I feel I have grown so much over the past few years, I have learned much about living, what makes me happy, and how to honestly not give a darn if others don't approve or think false of me. I truly am the happiest I have ever been in my adult life.
I met my husband in such an odd turn of events and although we hit it off immediately as inseparable friends, we didn't start dating until the following year. He was a rare find; a heart full of warmth and love, he could make me smile and laugh at the drop of a dime. I felt a deep connection to him the very day I met him yet I put off forming any relationship with him for my own personal reasons. He made it very known what his wishes were to me but waited in the wings for me to "come around to him". To this day I am eternally grateful he waited for me. His gentle persistence, constant affection, and addicting presence soon had me won over and I agreed to date. Looking back, I see he had actually won my heart over nearly the day I met him. I was intrigued from the beginning but we both agreed we were glad we had taken things slowly and got to know each other "old fashioned-like". The very day we simply held hands was like a steady stream of soft electricity rippling through my body. I loved the way he felt to me and he treated me like no other before. He proposed shortly after dating and were wed just a few months after that (moving in together just shy of our wedding date). Those that knew us exclaimed joyfully, "What took you two so long!". There was no question in my mind that I was marrying my soul mate.
Fast forward a bit and I see more and more people who steadily make my life a better place: an amazing family who has all but legally adopted us into their lives- they were even the very ones we chose to have marry us, my sister and brother who (although I don't get to see or talk to them often) I miss terribly and wish I could share my life with more, my parents who are both still married and are filled with love/respect for each other, my husband's family who showered me with love the moment they met this crazy girl who'd they never met before but was to wed their son in a mere week (I'll never be able to thank them enough for accepting me so openly like they did), a close girlfriend who has gone through pain of her own and doesn't judge me for my craziness and tears but offers constant support, the list goes on and on.
Every single day I make sure to tell my husband how much I appreciate him, how much I love him, and how thankful I am that he chose me. He tells me I'm delusional for marrying a goof like him and that he is glad I am off my rocker! I let him think he has "married up" but for me, I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world.
Besides the wonderful people in my life, I am thankful for my good health and being able to run, jump, and play. I am thankful for the mountains I see every day, beckoning me into their mysterious and comforting shadows. I am thankful for having two furry pets that love me and are excited every day to see me. I am thankful for my teeth, my eyes, my truck, peanut butter, and a good paying job that lets me buy healthy food and a clean safe place to live. Finally, I am thankful for a wonderful childhood full of camping, night games of kick-the-can, sports, birthday cake, farm animals, skinny dipping in the creek, dancing, music, 4-H camp, and lots and lots of books.
Happy November and giving thanks.
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